Dreams Come Alive

Daybreak. Cloud silhouettes lie unstirring against a fiery red sky tinged with purple. Amidst the freshness of the morning air brought forth by the lightest of breezes, this rare tapestry evokes an involuntary gasp as I stand at the lift lobby in full admiration of nature’s awe-inspiring power.

This is the sight that rewards early risers. And I found myself among its fortunate recipients as I headed out to MacRitchie reservoir at 6:30 this morning to meet Anders, James and Catherine for the first time. We are all participating in the Gobi March commencing 25th June and had arranged for a morning run.

Exchanging ideas with fellow racers gave me an added impetus to my training. Or should I say an added alarm. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I received reminders that I need to up my training mileage, work my core muscles, buy my shoes, confirm my flights, and be a whole lot less nonchalant about my preparation.

So this afternoon I proceeded to check a few items off my to-do list: I bought a spanking new pair of New Balance MT876 trainers, confirmed my flights, made plans for another morning run tomorrow and stocked up on a few more pieces of gear.

I like.

Popped out for a 2 hour run yesterday evening with my heart rate monitor (HRT) setting a pace which Stu Mittleman calls the Most Efficient Pace, designed to train the body to burn fat rather than sugar or glycogen.

It has been over half a year since I started training with a HRT and I am beginning to get used to it as a running companion and guide. It wasn’t always this way. My earlier experiences with it were frustrating and maddening – the vast array of data and beeping alarms proving to be so bewildering that running with it seemed to hamper, rather than help, my performance training. 

According to the MEP calculations, my set heart rate zone allows for only a ten beat differential within the top and bottom limits. Exceeding either of these limits triggers a beeping alarm to remind me to either slow down or hasten my pace. This frequently led to situations where I either slowed down or sped up too much such that my heart rate crossed the other limit. It was a constant struggle just trying to maintain a consistent pace.

But the beeping – and silence – simply acts as a feedback mechanism. It is an audible reminder that what I am doing is not working and that I need to make some adjustments to my pacing or breathing or technique. This feedback mechanism gives me information and I am free to do whatever I want with it – to change something or ignore it or allow myself to get riled up. 

It is the same way in life. We are constantly receiving information from people around us – our child refuses to listen to us; our spouse gets annoyed with us; a client relationship breaks down; a colleague gives less than 100 percent to a team task; a subordinate performs the same task poorly an umpteenth time…

These symptoms are reminders that something is not quite right, that something different need to be done and we can be the one to make that adjustment. We can choose to use this information to satisfy our desired outcome or pretend it is not there or slip into victim mode and blame the other party. The choice is ours.

Learn to use all this external noise and feedback to help us grow. Just like I learnt to value the beeping from my HRT to enhance my running performance, so too we can value the constant feedback in our lives to better our quality of living.

Insanity is to do the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result – Albert Einstein

I went for my fitting for a new suit at my tailor’s on Saturday. Coming from a lousy week where I had let a client down, watching my tailor in action got me thinking about how we pay attention to the things that matter in our lives.

Every single detail of my body structure, and hence the suit, is important. These include my arm position and the way I stand, as well as the position of the buttons, the pocket levels and size and width of the lapel. A bespoke tailor in the traditional mould, tailoring is a meticulous art to him, just like architecture. His painstaking attention to the subtle details on a suit is seen in his precision with every stitch and every measurement.

What about our relationships? What if we paid half as much attention to the quality of our conversations and interactions with our loved ones? What would our relationships with our parents, our children, our spouses, our colleagues and our friends be like?

To begin, I will practise 3 things.

Firstly, be fully present in each conversation. That means no watching tv or web surfing or thinking about something else at the same time. This robs the other person of what I have to offer. Give the other person my full attention and energy, and hence, my respect.

Secondly, make it safe. When safety is at risk, people adopt a flight or fight response. This shows up in silent fuming, masking of emotions, aggressive confrontations and blaming conversations. Make it safe for the other person to talk about almost anything and build an intimate relationship.

Thirdly, leave the other person better off. Even after a crucial dialogue or relationship has broken down, fully experience my experience. Manage my emotions, turn to others for support and then return to get some form of closure.

After all, a ruined suit can be thrown away but a ruined relationship will forever burn in our hearts.

The wonderful thing about my work is that it provides me a rich research ground in which to observe and learn from a huge diversity of cultures and relationships; from the corporate boardroom to the academic classroom, from Western cultures to Eastern contexts and from parental bonds to romantic relationships. A common thread that runs through those different environments is the crucial role communication plays in either a thriving or struggling relationship.

Communication. It is a big word and I shall draw on one very common aspect of it with an extract from “Crucial Conversations”…

When faced with a failed conversation, most of us are quick to blame others. If others would only change, then we’d all live happily ever after…He/she started it. It’s his/her fault, not mine.

When conversations reach a crucial point, many of us quickly change our original objectives to a much less healthy goal: being right. We do this by blaming the other party: “why are you…?”, “you are so…” and “you see! You…”

Many often take it to the extreme with dangerous and negative phrases that start with “you always…” and “you never…” Our self preservation DNA simply does not allow us to stand up to such attacks and it is not surprising that nothing shuts down communications faster than either of those two words.

So what do we do when there is a dialogue breakdown?

Firstly, avoid exaggerated, evaluative or extreme statements toward the other party. Expressions like “always,” “never,” and “every time” will usually just lead to irrelevant discussions related to the use of those words. Those sentences have the exact opposite intent that you want and only makes you a worse communicator.

Secondly, recognise that it is a shared problem. Since the issue is upsetting you, it is your problem (no matter what your partner did that you think caused it in the first place). If you begin by asking or stating what you can do differently or more/less of to help solve the problem before asking your partner to change, you may induce a collaborative situation which is matched by your partner.

Lastly, stop pointing the finger. Masters of communication recognise that more often than not, we do something to contribute to the problems we are experiencing and these masters turn it into the principle “Work on myself first”. As much as others may need to change or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire or change is the person in the mirror.

You never truly love someone until the mere thought of hurting that person is enough to break your own heart.

You don’t just give away your trust easily. It is something you gain over time and not just get at the snap of your fingers”, a close friend opined earlier today when I asked what the big T- word meant to her.

Based on informal discussions and chats with many others, hers seems to be a fair reflection of the perspective of wider society. Without going into whether that is a right or wrong, or good or bad view, it is clear that in the interconnected spheres of tight friendships, close family kinships, loving intimate relationships and high performing corporate networks, trust is a significant difference maker.  

According to the Dean of a management education institute whom I recently interviewed as part of a consultancy project on the global corporate team player, once trust is lost it is enormously difficult to bring it back. Certainly cheated spouses and bamboozled businessmen the world over can bear testament to that sentiment.

A fair question to ask is “how does one build and maintain trust in any relationship or partnership?” but I think people do already know how to do that. Perhaps a better question is when to build and maintain trust? 

Are you demonstrating trust in every memo and email exchange? In every question asked and every instruction issued? In your assumptions and evaluation of others? In the way you look at your partner and/or colleague? In the way you interact with others? 

Building trust is like learning how to walk or talk or eat or write. We became masters of daily acts by doing them over and over again, by continually practising them, by constantly using those techniques and by being conscious of performing them.

It takes not just an isolated action or an occasional deed but a consistent and habitual set of behaviours to establish and nurture that all-important ingredient. In other words, trust needs to be lived.

What a tremendous last few days it has been!

It began with an invitation to go for an interview with the CEO and Senior Vice-President of a U.S. based human capital development firm that had recently clinched a massive contract with an international giant in the oil and gas industry. They were in town to meet with a small group of potential candidates to lead the extensive consulting and training work in the South East Asian region. Following the half-day session in a local hotel last Friday, they wasted no time in confirming their interest in my involvement and emailed the positive news in midweek.  

The other piece of wonderful news originated from a tea gathering with some teachers and a Principal back in December during which I shared about my fundraising drive through the Sahara Race. Following my speaking engagements at companies and schools, I was strongly recommended to be a keynote speaker at a prestigious annual event involving hundreds of students from Junior Colleges and Polytechnics. And just this morning I received an invitation to be a panelist at this event.

As I reflected on the string of events that made all this come to fruition, I asked the respective persons what it was that had impressed them sufficiently to put their trust in me and put me forward for the above two jobs. Their answers brought home the value of rigour.

As I frequently convey to my younger friends and ex students, their job interview is an ongoing process and we live in an interconnected world where jobs will come not from application but from recommendation. Every day and every moment, whether we like it or not, we are living our brand and our values. If someone were to speak of us or allude to us in a conversation, what will they say? What do you want them to say?

Are you living those qualities and living that stand? How rigorous are you in the way you uphold your values? Start being clear about your core values and uniqueness and showcase your talents to the world…starting with the person next to you.

Dreams Come Alive.

My Dad turned 60 last week. For him it is a birthday like any other even as my mum and I celebrate this landmark day.

The milestone of rounding a new decade tends to be a time of deep introspection and soul searching for many. I still remember turning 30 and constantly looking back at my experiences and counting my achievements to assure myself that I had not wasted my twenties. The months leading up to my birthday were marked by frantic agonising over perceived lost time and a misspent youth. And my depressive mood was not at all helped by a dark, dreary and damp British winter.

As I inch toward the end of my fourth decade of existence however, I find myself looking forward and being really happy at my life and where I am today. I am grateful that I love and believe in what I do for a living and for being surrounded by a solid and supportive network of friends and colleagues. There is so much to learn and I am so fortunate to have willing mentors, coaches and role models. I am learning and growing everyday and discovering and nurturing my new talents while making a difference to other people.

I also appreciate that my relationship with my parents continues to break new ground and that I have by my side a most beautiful, wonderful and loving girlfriend with whom I am extremely excited to build a future together. Love is in abundance! I have a positive expectancy of the future and look forward to new creations and taking on and excelling in new challenges. As my energy and enthusiasm skyrockets, I am evermore thrilled at making more dreams come alive.

As you celebrate your own birthday, is your age a cause for celebration or grounds for panic? Are you jumping out of bed excited to begin your day? When was the last time you counted your blessings? Are you looking back at regret at the things you had done or the things you had not done? What are some dreams you could get excited about fulfilling? If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

Happy Birthday Dad

Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.

- St. Francis de Sales

Last week a senior executive client shared his experience building and driving teams in the corporate boardroom. His key lessons echoed the sentiments of an ultra endurance athlete whose team placed second in the Sahara Race 2009.

It starts right at the forming stage. Identifying individuals to make up a team is critical. Their respective strengths and weaknesses as well as their shared values underline the nature and potential of the relationship. Under stress, the team can breakdown if respect for one another is non existent. The same result occurs when any one person lacks the toughness of the others.

Once the team has been put together, a common purpose needs to be established. Clarity of goals gives a team direction and is a beacon upon which decisions are based and actions taken. What a team is setting out to achieve allows for clear demarcation of duties and elucidates the extent of operational scope. Expectations are set and roles and responsibilities delineated.

The project lifespan cannot do without clear and authentic communication. The information circuit can be made up of both formal and informal means of communication. The aim is to raise awareness of all involved in the project and present apparent means of resolving conflicts and dealing with problems in an atmosphere of openness and trust.

So how do we apply this to our daily lives? Well we work in teams more often than we think we do. Beyond the obvious teams at the workplace and on the playing field, teams include your family and your primary intimate relationship.

These questions may act as pointers: Who have you chosen as your significant other? Why has he/she picked you as a lifelong partner? What is your vision for yourselves as a couple and what are your shared values? How do you contribute to the relationship? What does love mean to you? How often, how deeply and how do you communicate?

Your fortunes are tied closely to that of your team…

Recently I conducted two workshops for parents whose children were in varying levels of primary school. The content included their child’s psychological Stages of Development, Multiple Intelligences and the 5 love languages.

According to marriage counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman, we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. This theory of love languages can be applied to any relationship – parent and child; between spouses or life partners.

One of the reasons why my girlfriend, Jillian, and I hit it off so well and so deeply and feel so loved by each other is that we share the same love language and share them in the exact same order. And just as importantly, we are on the same page when it comes to defining and displaying our commitment.

We practise the Back to Basics style of love. Eschewing extravagant dinners, flamboyant gifts, elaborate declarations and theatrical demonstrations, we make a habit of firmly holding hands, tightly holding each other close, being fully present when in each other’s company, talking openly and freely affirming.

Love is a work in progress. Yes it takes work, and consistent work too. Large one-off displays can never replace the constant practice of meeting your partner’s needs. An oasis in the middle of a desert welcomes a weary traveller with simple shade and natural water without the need for manicured gardens or fancy taps.

When I was out in the desert during the Sahara Race, I learnt to appreciate the simple basics of sustenance and nourishment. Now that I am back in the urban jungle negotiating the complexities of life, I am keeping to the same fundamentals of loving and being loved.

As Mother Teresa put it so succinctly, “In life we cannot do great things, only small things with great love”.

What a wonderful week last week was. It began in high spirits with a team building training I conducted for a group of 50 young high-flyers from various government ministries and agencies. A full day session to kickstart a two week long developmental course for them, it was a light hearted affair which had them exploring their automatic reactions to the multitude of changes that happen around them; the different ways in which they take in and analyse information; and their comfortable modes of communication. Above all it was a day for them to build professional connections and relationships with their fellow civil servants.

I love running such sessions because it gives me a chance to take a look at my own preferences and self facilitate my learning and awareness while contributing to the growth of other people. I also enjoy it as training such a group of intellectuals and top performers provides me with much thinking stimulation and keeps on my toes. And of course it is always fun to create an environment and atmosphere of fun and laughter, especially for adults.

The week then ended with a heart warming message from an ex student who got in touch with me out of the blue, thanks to Facebook. He said that it was partly because of me that he picked himself out of the depths to go for consultations with tutors, eventually securing an A grade for his Economics.

The thing is that while I remember him, I can hardly recall doing anything specific that may have made such a difference to him. And that got me reflecting on how every single thing that we say or do – a word of affirmation, a listening ear, a pat on the shoulder, an encouraging comment, a smile or a nod of the head – many set in motion a serious of events that results in tremendous impact on somebody’s life.

So as we begin a new week, let’s start being conscious of how we are and what we do with the people around us. You never know the difference you are making to their lives.