Dreams Come Alive

The wonderful thing about my work is that it provides me a rich research ground in which to observe and learn from a huge diversity of cultures and relationships; from the corporate boardroom to the academic classroom, from Western cultures to Eastern contexts and from parental bonds to romantic relationships. A common thread that runs through those different environments is the crucial role communication plays in either a thriving or struggling relationship.

Communication. It is a big word and I shall draw on one very common aspect of it with an extract from “Crucial Conversations”…

When faced with a failed conversation, most of us are quick to blame others. If others would only change, then we’d all live happily ever after…He/she started it. It’s his/her fault, not mine.

When conversations reach a crucial point, many of us quickly change our original objectives to a much less healthy goal: being right. We do this by blaming the other party: “why are you…?”, “you are so…” and “you see! You…”

Many often take it to the extreme with dangerous and negative phrases that start with “you always…” and “you never…” Our self preservation DNA simply does not allow us to stand up to such attacks and it is not surprising that nothing shuts down communications faster than either of those two words.

So what do we do when there is a dialogue breakdown?

Firstly, avoid exaggerated, evaluative or extreme statements toward the other party. Expressions like “always,” “never,” and “every time” will usually just lead to irrelevant discussions related to the use of those words. Those sentences have the exact opposite intent that you want and only makes you a worse communicator.

Secondly, recognise that it is a shared problem. Since the issue is upsetting you, it is your problem (no matter what your partner did that you think caused it in the first place). If you begin by asking or stating what you can do differently or more/less of to help solve the problem before asking your partner to change, you may induce a collaborative situation which is matched by your partner.

Lastly, stop pointing the finger. Masters of communication recognise that more often than not, we do something to contribute to the problems we are experiencing and these masters turn it into the principle “Work on myself first”. As much as others may need to change or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire or change is the person in the mirror.

You never truly love someone until the mere thought of hurting that person is enough to break your own heart.

You don’t just give away your trust easily. It is something you gain over time and not just get at the snap of your fingers”, a close friend opined earlier today when I asked what the big T- word meant to her.

Based on informal discussions and chats with many others, hers seems to be a fair reflection of the perspective of wider society. Without going into whether that is a right or wrong, or good or bad view, it is clear that in the interconnected spheres of tight friendships, close family kinships, loving intimate relationships and high performing corporate networks, trust is a significant difference maker.  

According to the Dean of a management education institute whom I recently interviewed as part of a consultancy project on the global corporate team player, once trust is lost it is enormously difficult to bring it back. Certainly cheated spouses and bamboozled businessmen the world over can bear testament to that sentiment.

A fair question to ask is “how does one build and maintain trust in any relationship or partnership?” but I think people do already know how to do that. Perhaps a better question is when to build and maintain trust? 

Are you demonstrating trust in every memo and email exchange? In every question asked and every instruction issued? In your assumptions and evaluation of others? In the way you look at your partner and/or colleague? In the way you interact with others? 

Building trust is like learning how to walk or talk or eat or write. We became masters of daily acts by doing them over and over again, by continually practising them, by constantly using those techniques and by being conscious of performing them.

It takes not just an isolated action or an occasional deed but a consistent and habitual set of behaviours to establish and nurture that all-important ingredient. In other words, trust needs to be lived.

What a tremendous last few days it has been!

It began with an invitation to go for an interview with the CEO and Senior Vice-President of a U.S. based human capital development firm that had recently clinched a massive contract with an international giant in the oil and gas industry. They were in town to meet with a small group of potential candidates to lead the extensive consulting and training work in the South East Asian region. Following the half-day session in a local hotel last Friday, they wasted no time in confirming their interest in my involvement and emailed the positive news in midweek.  

The other piece of wonderful news originated from a tea gathering with some teachers and a Principal back in December during which I shared about my fundraising drive through the Sahara Race. Following my speaking engagements at companies and schools, I was strongly recommended to be a keynote speaker at a prestigious annual event involving hundreds of students from Junior Colleges and Polytechnics. And just this morning I received an invitation to be a panelist at this event.

As I reflected on the string of events that made all this come to fruition, I asked the respective persons what it was that had impressed them sufficiently to put their trust in me and put me forward for the above two jobs. Their answers brought home the value of rigour.

As I frequently convey to my younger friends and ex students, their job interview is an ongoing process and we live in an interconnected world where jobs will come not from application but from recommendation. Every day and every moment, whether we like it or not, we are living our brand and our values. If someone were to speak of us or allude to us in a conversation, what will they say? What do you want them to say?

Are you living those qualities and living that stand? How rigorous are you in the way you uphold your values? Start being clear about your core values and uniqueness and showcase your talents to the world…starting with the person next to you.

Dreams Come Alive.