Dreams Come Alive

Last week a senior executive client shared his experience building and driving teams in the corporate boardroom. His key lessons echoed the sentiments of an ultra endurance athlete whose team placed second in the Sahara Race 2009.

It starts right at the forming stage. Identifying individuals to make up a team is critical. Their respective strengths and weaknesses as well as their shared values underline the nature and potential of the relationship. Under stress, the team can breakdown if respect for one another is non existent. The same result occurs when any one person lacks the toughness of the others.

Once the team has been put together, a common purpose needs to be established. Clarity of goals gives a team direction and is a beacon upon which decisions are based and actions taken. What a team is setting out to achieve allows for clear demarcation of duties and elucidates the extent of operational scope. Expectations are set and roles and responsibilities delineated.

The project lifespan cannot do without clear and authentic communication. The information circuit can be made up of both formal and informal means of communication. The aim is to raise awareness of all involved in the project and present apparent means of resolving conflicts and dealing with problems in an atmosphere of openness and trust.

So how do we apply this to our daily lives? Well we work in teams more often than we think we do. Beyond the obvious teams at the workplace and on the playing field, teams include your family and your primary intimate relationship.

These questions may act as pointers: Who have you chosen as your significant other? Why has he/she picked you as a lifelong partner? What is your vision for yourselves as a couple and what are your shared values? How do you contribute to the relationship? What does love mean to you? How often, how deeply and how do you communicate?

Your fortunes are tied closely to that of your team…

Recently I conducted two workshops for parents whose children were in varying levels of primary school. The content included their child’s psychological Stages of Development, Multiple Intelligences and the 5 love languages.

According to marriage counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman, we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. This theory of love languages can be applied to any relationship – parent and child; between spouses or life partners.

One of the reasons why my girlfriend, Jillian, and I hit it off so well and so deeply and feel so loved by each other is that we share the same love language and share them in the exact same order. And just as importantly, we are on the same page when it comes to defining and displaying our commitment.

We practise the Back to Basics style of love. Eschewing extravagant dinners, flamboyant gifts, elaborate declarations and theatrical demonstrations, we make a habit of firmly holding hands, tightly holding each other close, being fully present when in each other’s company, talking openly and freely affirming.

Love is a work in progress. Yes it takes work, and consistent work too. Large one-off displays can never replace the constant practice of meeting your partner’s needs. An oasis in the middle of a desert welcomes a weary traveller with simple shade and natural water without the need for manicured gardens or fancy taps.

When I was out in the desert during the Sahara Race, I learnt to appreciate the simple basics of sustenance and nourishment. Now that I am back in the urban jungle negotiating the complexities of life, I am keeping to the same fundamentals of loving and being loved.

As Mother Teresa put it so succinctly, “In life we cannot do great things, only small things with great love”.

What a wonderful week last week was. It began in high spirits with a team building training I conducted for a group of 50 young high-flyers from various government ministries and agencies. A full day session to kickstart a two week long developmental course for them, it was a light hearted affair which had them exploring their automatic reactions to the multitude of changes that happen around them; the different ways in which they take in and analyse information; and their comfortable modes of communication. Above all it was a day for them to build professional connections and relationships with their fellow civil servants.

I love running such sessions because it gives me a chance to take a look at my own preferences and self facilitate my learning and awareness while contributing to the growth of other people. I also enjoy it as training such a group of intellectuals and top performers provides me with much thinking stimulation and keeps on my toes. And of course it is always fun to create an environment and atmosphere of fun and laughter, especially for adults.

The week then ended with a heart warming message from an ex student who got in touch with me out of the blue, thanks to Facebook. He said that it was partly because of me that he picked himself out of the depths to go for consultations with tutors, eventually securing an A grade for his Economics.

The thing is that while I remember him, I can hardly recall doing anything specific that may have made such a difference to him. And that got me reflecting on how every single thing that we say or do – a word of affirmation, a listening ear, a pat on the shoulder, an encouraging comment, a smile or a nod of the head – many set in motion a serious of events that results in tremendous impact on somebody’s life.

So as we begin a new week, let’s start being conscious of how we are and what we do with the people around us. You never know the difference you are making to their lives.

Two weeks into the new year, I wonder how many people are still keeping to their new year resolutions and how many actually remember what their resolutions are. Spending more time with family and loved ones, getting fit, losing weight, saving money, quitting smoking, doing more voluntary work, getting organised, growing and developing self…

The online Oxford dictionary defines resolution as ‘a firm decision’ and I believe that may give a clue as to why so many people fail so quickly when it comes to New Year resolutions. We make firm decisions to do something (notice how the typical resolutions above begin with action words ie verbs) but without any idea or clarity on what the actions will lead to (outcomes or results ie goal) there lacks the incentive or motivation to carry them out.

Working toward a goal is a continual process that takes work. A lot of times, this work calls for us to step out of our comfort zones and adjust our usual routines. Are you willing to do that? That is another way of asking why your goal is important to you. What do you get out of achieving it? How will you feel when your dreams come alive? Will you commit to doing whatever it takes to get what you want? What are you willing to do and prepared to give up?

These are questions that I ponder and revisit regularly as I work toward my goals for this year. Some of my dreams that will come alive in 2010 are:

1) completion of two ultra endurance desert races in the Gobi desert in June and Antarctica in November, in the process making a difference to more lives (more on this in coming blog posts)

2) release of my inspirational book that draws out valuable lessons from the Sahara Race which influence how we view and lead our everyday lives

3) a trusting, nurturing, secure and loving relationship with Jillian, a very special someone now in my life

Time to get to work…

I bumped into a neighbour in the lift this afternoon and after we exchanged pleasantries and wished each other a happy new year, his response to my question “What does 2010 have in store for you?” was a drop in the shoulders, a resigned look and a lacklustre “It’s the same thing, year in, year out. What is there to look forward to?”

This is something that I have noticed in many people, the shrug of the shoulders and a subdued lament best encapsulated in the Singlish “like dat lor”. What is it like, living life this way, with nothing to look forward to? Every year and everyday is a relentless slog, where problems take centre stage over possibilities.

Whatever happened to the childlike excitement; that inspired anticipation; that positive expectancy? What if everyday brings forth new creations and new challenges to excel in? What if we wake up looking forward to start the day because there is a glorious goal to achieve, a dream to make come alive? Just think what a difference that would make to our daily lives.

Even in the habitual activities, what if everytime was like the first time? Just like falling in love, looking into our partner’s eyes, that light kiss, the hand holding…the shivers down the spine and quickening of the heartbeat. There used to be an Emirates TV commercial with the tagline When was the last time you did something for the first time? That ’something’ does not necessarily have to be a new thing. It could be a normal, usual thing which you see or experience as if it was the first time. Imagine how different your life could be with this new perspective. Choose to have it this way. Choose happiness. Choose joy.

What is one thing you want to do for the first time today?

Just read this story in “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”…

Two monks, one old, one very young, walked along a muddy path in a rain forest, on their way back to a monastery. They came upon a lovely woman who stood helplessly at the edge of a muddy, fast-flowing stream.

Seeing her predicament, the older monk swept her up in his strong arms and carried her across. She smiled at him, her arms around his neck, until he put her gently down on the other side. Thanking him, she bowed, and the monks continued on their way in silence.

As they neared the monastery gates, the young monk could no longer contain himself. “How could you carry a beautiful woman in your arms? Such behaviour does not seem proper for a priest.”

The old monk looked at his companion and replied, “I left her back there. Are you still carrying her?”

As we near the start of a brand new year, it may be worth asking ourselves what and who we are still carrying within us that is getting in the way of our moving forward. What is it that we need to deal with for one last time? What will it take to let it go?

Stay here. Live here. Be here. Now. 

People tend to ask me whether I prefer running programmes for children and youths or facilitating workshops for corporate executives. The short answer is both. I love the different challenges posed by the two groups and I get to polish my skills, techniques and ways of being. And importantly, I get to self facilitate through observation and reflection.

Primary school children are at that age where they begin to accumulate baggages. Their cognitive and emotional development allows them to give meaning to their experiences and they become more sensitive to the messages they receive from those around them. Unfortunately many develop beliefs that aren’t very useful in aiding their growth and they gather more references that encourage staying in their comfort zone. However they still possess an enormous propensity to be honest and authentic, and under appropriate guidance and safe coaching, it is this willingness to risk and trust again that permits a brand new start.

Adults, on the other hand, carry so much emotional and mental baggage that it leads to self-sabotaging behaviour. Weighed down and held back by our past experiences and emotions, we can be so entrenched in our beliefs and self righteous in our judgements, assumptions and expectations that we prevent ourselves from leading fulfilling and meaningful lives.  

So what can we do? The short answer is let go. Fully experience our experience - whatever is going through us - and then let it all go.

Look at babies and little toddlers. What do they do when they are feeling upset? They let the entire neighbourhood know through their banshee wails, shrill howls and ear splitting screams -  100% pure crying.  They do not worry whether or how they should be crying. Accepting their emotions completely, they let their feelings flow and then let them go. No holding back, no harbouring of ill thoughts and emotions.

So it can be with our successes and failures. Celebrate and commisserate; feel and flow; and then let them all go so we can create new experiences.

Babies and children are our best teachers. Learn from them and dissolve old thinking and habits.

Class in session!

Carrying on from the previous post, here’s a line from Shantaram, one of my top 3 books of all time: “You are not a man until you give your love, truly and freely, to a child. And you are not a good man until you earn the love, truly and freely, of a child in return.”

It is amazing how the last two years have developed for me. If someone had told me some time before that I would spend a portion of my working life surrounded by little children and actually enjoying it, I would have fallen off my seat at the incredulity of the suggestion. 

The Universe obviously has ideas of its own and not only have I since found myself making a difference to the lives of the little ones, but they, clearly more than they realise, have taught me so much about love and life. And above all, I am slowly discovering what is means to be a good man.

Work in progress. Always.

Just ran another 2.5 day Young Champions (YC) workshop for over a hundred 9 to 12 year olds and as usual, it was packed with lessons and discoveries for me. Designed for pre teens to build their self awareness and remove any obstacles that get in the way of their growth toward their goals and aspirations, the entire programme emphasises peak performance strategies, building self esteem, unlocking inner strengths and breaking down their mental barriers in order to assess the elements of a chamion mindset.

Being a trainer of such a programme affords me the luxury of learning from an unexpected source - the children themselves. It never ceases to amaze me their propensity to love unconditionally. One moment you could be admonishing them for a transgression (and by the way, they KNOW when they have overstepped the mark and are willing to take the flak as long as you are clear that it is their behaviour that is a problem, not them) and the next, they will be flashing you their brilliant smiles and wrapping their arms around you for the tightest of hugs.

They are certainly the best teachers (by living, not talking) of forgiveness, of ‘coming from nothing’ and beginning anew. At such a tender young age, they hold nothing to heart and have an enormous capacity to love. Parents can do no worse than to ask not what they can teach their children, but what they can learn from their children.

Letting go…

Was invited to give a talk last Saturday on my desert adventure. Toiled for quite a while pondering over what the key message was to give the audience. Felt that it was important that not only are they entertained, that there should be an element of education and a lot of value to be gained which they can apply to their daily lives.

Decided on Lessons from the Desert: The SAHARA Way to Making Your Dreams Come Alive, heavily influenced by the myriad of lessons I picked up in the desert. In a nutshell:

Self

Know your strengths, values and beliefs. What is your best self like? You have whatever you need to achieve your goals and you are what you think, so focus your thoughts on those aspects you would like to see more of.

Aspirations

It all starts with having a dream. If you had a magic wand, what would your life be like? What is your vision of who you are and what you have? See it, feel it and believe it. You create your own reality.

Hardiness

Life is an ultra-marathon, not a sprint. As you take action toward your dreams you will likely meet with challenges and obstacles. Learn from your past mistakes and develop your resilience to better bounce back from setbacks.   

Appreciation

You cannot have more without valuing what you already have. When did you last stop to smell the roses? What are the things you have and who are the people in your life that you are grateful for?

Relationships

The quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships. Who are your travelling companions in this journey of life? Are you surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people? Whom are you making a difference to everyday?

Adventure

Life is an adventure. When was the last time you did something for the first time? What are you truly passionate about? You’d be surprised how energised you become when you are clear about your purpose in life.